the gift that keeps giving

Cancer.

First, must clarify. Cancer has NOT returned in any shape or form, only the ramifications that linger.

Most of you know we "banked" some specimen for future children since we were not sure the effects that chemo would have on Levi. We had six samples, four of which are now gone. I've gone through 4 cycles/months of IUI's (intrauterine inceptions). None of which were successful. No one knew we were going through this process and now that we have exhausted our efforts with this procedure, it's therapeutic for me to write about it. (Sorry Mom)

I don't do so well in verbally communicating emotional topics. I couldn't stand to share that we were going in for a procedure one day…wait two weeks to take a pregnancy test and then find it negative, times four. And then have to make a phone call and answer the questions of, "how did it go?" I'm sure I was a little naive thinking it would work just like that since IUI's only have a 15% success rate, but it has a higher chance than the "regular" way, and I had no issues getting pregnant with Brecken.

So next option, in-vitro fertilization (IVF), with a nice little price tag of $15k (and that's with their sympathy cancer discount of $2K). The cocky little doctor felt he was doing us this huge favor (as I roll my eyes). We have two samples left. Now, I hate to jump to this option when we aren't sure if Levi will be sterile or not. But right now, he has about 1% motility, which is pretty much next to nothing. I don't want to turn to IVF right away thinking if it came back in the next several months, we could get pregnant for "free" and save our self 15 grand. What are the odds? 50/50? I don't know, a waiting game I guess.

I have definitely come to empathize with the many friends and family that have dealt with fertility issues. I know this is a sensitive subject and I'm definitely not here to say my story is any harder or easier than the next person, it's just my story. Fertility is definitely an emotional and expensive roller coaster.

Scheduling your life around when you are ovulating and certain tests that need to be done at very specific times of the month. It's crazy. Not to mention the blood tests that show you need to be on this and that medication. You really start thinking, what is wrong with me? It's also been hard to bring myself down from the last 4 months of the excitement about being pregnant again to thinking, ok, maybe in a year?? Maybe.

I have never really been the super motherly type growing up, you are talking to the wrong Payne girl, that was my sister. But now that I have a taste of this motherhood thing, I love it and wouldn't change it for the world. I can understand I might be a little premature with all these thoughts, but still thoughts and emotions I'm having none the less. I'm totally grateful for my one and she is such a blessing if I'm not able to have more, but I can't help the feeling of not feeling done and yearning for more children. Kinda hard to think we wanted 4-5 kids, to now thinking we will be lucky if we can have a second. Just a bit crazy/emotional that we bought a Tahoe at the beginning of the year and now buying a bigger house in hopes of our expanding family. Is this all in vain? I hope not. I hope and pray I will have the opportunity to experience it at least one more time...